[ The study is, of course, a massive room--high ceilings, a comfortable sofa in front of a large hearth, two big, sturdy desks covered in books, notebooks, and loose paper scrawled with arcane equations, and walls of bookshelves. Normally occupied by two wizards, today there is just one. The door is closed mostly so that Caleb could anticipate Keyleth's arrival, and make sure no one else wandered inside in the meantime. This is meant to be a private conversation.
He opens the door with a smile--a real one, if a little nervous--and steps aside to usher her in. ]
Please do.
[ Caleb closes the door again behind her. There isn't a fire going, the weather has been too hot lately for that, but the room is bathed in warm light from the amber globules bobbing gently in the air overhead. The single window, normally covered by thick curtains for Essek's sake, is open today for a change. ]
How are you?
[ A gentle inquiry, and as good a place to start as any, Caleb figures. ]
[as with last time, she takes a moment to look around, admire her surroundings. it's beautiful in here, especially with the window open, which she's never seen before. she's glad she hasn't delivered Essek's orchid yet.
Perching herself in her favorite seat, she looks up at him and smiles back; a little tired and nervous, but genuine.]
well...
it's been a fuck of a last couple days, huh? but I'm okay.
[ Caleb has to laugh at that, a soft scoff under his breath as he joins her on the couch. There's a similar weariness in his eyes and the curl of his lips. ]
It really has been.
[ And while he's still nervous, seeing her face to face is somehow more reassuring than imagining how this conversation might go. They're two intelligent, empathetic people. Surely they can come to some sort of satisfactory understanding together. ]
I'm a little better now. [ He can answer that honestly. ] I've been able to give some thought to, ah...to your question from the other night.
What I said then was true, of course. [ As they were...under a truth spell. ] I can see it being possible. You are an incredible woman, Keyleth, and I value the time we have spent together. But I am self-aware enough to recognize that it is impossible for me to, ah...jump quickly into a romantic relationship.
[ His hands clasp together, fingers twisting nervously around each other. ]
The last thing I want is for you to think that I am not interested when what I need is...time. A little more time, for us to know each other better. Does this make sense?
[she casts her eyes downward, trying to shake off any disappointment that lingers. it's fair, and it makes perfect sense. it's not Caleb's fault that things have been full of disappointment lately]
yes, of course. I understand. and I apologize if you felt...um, any kind of pressure. that wasn't my intention.
I did feel a little pressure, but I never considered it intentional. At least part of that came from myself, anyway.
[ Caleb looks at her rather than at his hands, watches her avert her eyes. There's a pang of regret in his chest, a stinging, disappointed feeling at having hurt her. An unequivocal yes simply wasn't an option for him, but he wishes he had something else for her. ]
But please, I want to hear your thoughts as well. We aren't here to discuss my perspective only.
nonetheless, I'm glad that you knew it wasn't intentional. I hate to ever feel like I'm...pushing.
[she's quiet, considering, and then shrugs one shoulder]
I am not sure if there is anything for me to say about it, I mean. I understand your perspective and respect it, and getting to know you has been lovely, so...it's fine with me to do that. I can be patient, and we can still enjoy our time.
[ Caleb nods, understanding, but also unwilling to accept that she has nothing more to add. He turns toward her on the couch, one leg folding up under him. ]
Still, I think it would be helpful to know what your ideal outcome might be. It wasn't...I'm sorry. I know this was not what you were hoping to hear. But I think it will be helpful for us both, going forward, to know where we stand.
[the problem is that she's not very good, in situations like this, at expressing what she wants when it's so much easier to just shrink back and accept what's there. talking about your feelings is hard; asking for things is even harder]
well, I...
I mean. I just. I. I'd like for us to...to eventually develop a, um, stronger romantic bond.
No, that is--that is good. I would like that too. Spending more time together will make it clear if that is something that will work for us.
[ Caleb is quick to reassure her. He reaches out, rests his hand gently against her forearm. ]
I am sure you are well aware of this already, but I have other romantic partners. Sexual partners occasionally, also. That would not be an issue for you?
[she leans into the touch, immediately reassured by it. her cheeks burn, embarrassed, but she makes no effort to move, her shoulders relaxing.]
Oh. Yes, of course. I'm still trying to figure all of that out, and I'm not sure if I would, um, have any others besides you and Vax. If you're okay with that, also.
[ You and Vax. Oof. That's significant, knowing what he does about Vax and Keyleth. It only makes him want to move closer to her, so he does, just enough that his knee bumps hers. ]
I would be okay with whatever makes you happy. Whether that is two people or ten people, it is all the same to me, so long as our commitment remains.
[ Caleb is not so new at this, at least, which is definitely for the best. Things tend to be less messy if at least one person knows what they're about. ]
I have always had more than one partner, and jealousy is rare for me. Here especially I understand that relationships can be complicated.
Oh! That's--that's really good, actually. I'm still learning, so... [she shrugs her one shoulder again.]
At home--and it probably still is, I feel like things are just...different here--my plan was always just to wait for Vax, you know, and...I still feel like...I don't know. There's a, a thing happening, a...triangle? But it feels...mutual. But i don't--I wouldn't...I don't know.
[she laughs a little]
All I really want is to feel special and valued and like I...like I matter very much to my partner, because my partner matters very much to me. Does that make sense? I don't want to feel like an afterthought. But I don't think you'd make me feel as such.
[ Just trying to be reassuring! Honestly, what she's referring to (he thinks) is what he prefers, but circumstances have forced some branching out. ]
It makes perfect sense. I think that is what most people want from their partners, myself included. And I cannot promise perfection, or even that I am good at relationships, but I can say that I would always value you, and do my best to show it. That is what you deserve.
[her guilt is strong and immediate, but she tries to push through.]
...that when i want things, and I ask for them--which is hard enough--I am told that i have to compromise in some way. It would be nice to, um, have to feel less like I'm compromising all the time, in a relationship. You know?
[she immediately regrets it, and is sort of looking for an exit strategy. running away and never speaking to Caleb again is looking more appealing by the second.
she stays.]
I meant...I meant if it gets to that. To a relationship? It would just be nice to...to feel like...never mind. I'm sorry. I know you--I'm happy to wait for you. That isn't what I meant.
[ He is, genuinely. This isn't a conversation where he should be assuming he knows anything. ]
I don't want to promise things I am not sure I can fulfill. But I do want to...to do what I can to make sure you are happy and content, no matter what sort of relationship we have.
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timeasmymeasure
un: widogast
Date: 2021-06-27 04:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-06-27 05:29 pm (UTC)yes, I have time today. just let me know when.
no subject
Date: 2021-06-27 05:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-06-27 06:38 pm (UTC)Hi Caleb, it's me, can I come in?
no subject
Date: 2021-06-28 03:43 am (UTC)He opens the door with a smile--a real one, if a little nervous--and steps aside to usher her in. ]
Please do.
[ Caleb closes the door again behind her. There isn't a fire going, the weather has been too hot lately for that, but the room is bathed in warm light from the amber globules bobbing gently in the air overhead. The single window, normally covered by thick curtains for Essek's sake, is open today for a change. ]
How are you?
[ A gentle inquiry, and as good a place to start as any, Caleb figures. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-06-28 04:00 am (UTC)Perching herself in her favorite seat, she looks up at him and smiles back; a little tired and nervous, but genuine.]
well...
it's been a fuck of a last couple days, huh? but I'm okay.
how are you?
no subject
Date: 2021-06-28 09:00 pm (UTC)It really has been.
[ And while he's still nervous, seeing her face to face is somehow more reassuring than imagining how this conversation might go. They're two intelligent, empathetic people. Surely they can come to some sort of satisfactory understanding together. ]
I'm a little better now. [ He can answer that honestly. ] I've been able to give some thought to, ah...to your question from the other night.
no subject
Date: 2021-06-28 09:14 pm (UTC)[she's terribly, desperately nervous but trying to be calm, certain that they can and will work this out somehow.]
no subject
Date: 2021-06-29 09:22 pm (UTC)[ A deep, steadying breath. ]
What I said then was true, of course. [ As they were...under a truth spell. ] I can see it being possible. You are an incredible woman, Keyleth, and I value the time we have spent together. But I am self-aware enough to recognize that it is impossible for me to, ah...jump quickly into a romantic relationship.
[ His hands clasp together, fingers twisting nervously around each other. ]
The last thing I want is for you to think that I am not interested when what I need is...time. A little more time, for us to know each other better. Does this make sense?
no subject
Date: 2021-06-29 09:35 pm (UTC)yes, of course. I understand. and I apologize if you felt...um, any kind of pressure. that wasn't my intention.
no subject
Date: 2021-06-29 09:48 pm (UTC)[ Caleb looks at her rather than at his hands, watches her avert her eyes. There's a pang of regret in his chest, a stinging, disappointed feeling at having hurt her. An unequivocal yes simply wasn't an option for him, but he wishes he had something else for her. ]
But please, I want to hear your thoughts as well. We aren't here to discuss my perspective only.
no subject
Date: 2021-06-29 10:03 pm (UTC)[she's quiet, considering, and then shrugs one shoulder]
I am not sure if there is anything for me to say about it, I mean. I understand your perspective and respect it, and getting to know you has been lovely, so...it's fine with me to do that. I can be patient, and we can still enjoy our time.
no subject
Date: 2021-06-29 10:41 pm (UTC)Still, I think it would be helpful to know what your ideal outcome might be. It wasn't...I'm sorry. I know this was not what you were hoping to hear. But I think it will be helpful for us both, going forward, to know where we stand.
no subject
Date: 2021-06-29 11:56 pm (UTC)well, I...
I mean. I just. I. I'd like for us to...to eventually develop a, um, stronger romantic bond.
but if not, that's also okay.
no subject
Date: 2021-06-30 03:38 am (UTC)[ Caleb is quick to reassure her. He reaches out, rests his hand gently against her forearm. ]
I am sure you are well aware of this already, but I have other romantic partners. Sexual partners occasionally, also. That would not be an issue for you?
no subject
Date: 2021-06-30 04:11 am (UTC)Oh. Yes, of course. I'm still trying to figure all of that out, and I'm not sure if I would, um, have any others besides you and Vax. If you're okay with that, also.
no subject
Date: 2021-06-30 04:43 am (UTC)I would be okay with whatever makes you happy. Whether that is two people or ten people, it is all the same to me, so long as our commitment remains.
[ Caleb is not so new at this, at least, which is definitely for the best. Things tend to be less messy if at least one person knows what they're about. ]
I have always had more than one partner, and jealousy is rare for me. Here especially I understand that relationships can be complicated.
no subject
Date: 2021-06-30 04:59 am (UTC)At home--and it probably still is, I feel like things are just...different here--my plan was always just to wait for Vax, you know, and...I still feel like...I don't know. There's a, a thing happening, a...triangle? But it feels...mutual. But i don't--I wouldn't...I don't know.
[she laughs a little]
All I really want is to feel special and valued and like I...like I matter very much to my partner, because my partner matters very much to me. Does that make sense? I don't want to feel like an afterthought. But I don't think you'd make me feel as such.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-01 02:40 am (UTC)[ Just trying to be reassuring! Honestly, what she's referring to (he thinks) is what he prefers, but circumstances have forced some branching out. ]
It makes perfect sense. I think that is what most people want from their partners, myself included. And I cannot promise perfection, or even that I am good at relationships, but I can say that I would always value you, and do my best to show it. That is what you deserve.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-01 05:48 am (UTC)I can't promise I'll be perfect, either. I'm...I have no experience, I'm still just learning.
I have one other thing? But I don't quite know how to explain it.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-01 10:28 am (UTC)I'm listening. Do your best, and we will figure it out.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-02 01:36 am (UTC)[her guilt is strong and immediate, but she tries to push through.]
...that when i want things, and I ask for them--which is hard enough--I am told that i have to compromise in some way. It would be nice to, um, have to feel less like I'm compromising all the time, in a relationship. You know?
no subject
Date: 2021-07-02 06:29 am (UTC)I don't think I have ever experienced a relationship, romantic or otherwise, where compromise was not necessary.
But I understand what you are saying. If I could give you what you asked for today, I would.
[ He shakes his head ruefully. ]
There are things that I can't rush, and trying would only hurt us both. I am sorry. Truly.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-02 07:11 am (UTC)[she immediately regrets it, and is sort of looking for an exit strategy. running away and never speaking to Caleb again is looking more appealing by the second.
she stays.]
I meant...I meant if it gets to that. To a relationship? It would just be nice to...to feel like...never mind. I'm sorry. I know you--I'm happy to wait for you. That isn't what I meant.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-14 02:25 am (UTC)[ He is, genuinely. This isn't a conversation where he should be assuming he knows anything. ]
I don't want to promise things I am not sure I can fulfill. But I do want to...to do what I can to make sure you are happy and content, no matter what sort of relationship we have.
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